Second in a series of articles on managing and maintaining one's Personal Boundaries.
In Part One: Respect Your Self in the Managing Personal Boundaries series, we defined the concept of personal boundaries and examined ways to manage one’s personal boundaries in terms of honouring one’s Self. This is important work for each of us. Setting personal boundaries provides a solid grounding for managing both our selves and others, defines the consequences of crossing our boundaries and supports us living an intentional life based on our core values.
If we are clear in our intent to honour our own boundaries, we must also recognize that others have the same right to expect that their personal boundaries will be both respected and honoured. But let's suppose one does not have clearly defined personal boundaries. Is it still possible to have an awareness of crossing other's boundaries?
When do we cross another person’s boundaries?
We may know instinctually when our boundaries have been crossed, but we may not recognize when we have infringed on the rights or boundaries of others. Many of these rights are now entrenched in law, especially when in regards to privacy, physical safety, libel or slander, etc. So, infringing on another person’s boundaries – physical or emotional – may not just be immoral and unethical, it may be illegal! For instance, an individual’s right to privacy in Canada is protected on the federal level by The Privacy Act and PIPEDA (Personal Information Protection and Electronic Documents Act). Be aware of your statutory rights to privacy in your country/jurisdiction.
Some signs that an external (physical) boundary has been crossed
- Entering a person’s personal space without permission (office, bedroom, email, mail, briefcase, etc)
- Touching, or getting close to, a person or their property without permission
- Touching, or getting close to, a person’s property without permission
- Following or stalking someone
- Demanding others respect your time and energy, while not having the same respect for their's
- Eavesdropping on private conversations
- Exposing others to a contagious disease
- Withholding important information such as rules, regulations, health care conditions, etc
- Sharing personal or private information about another person (their beliefs, their actions, their financial status, etc)
- Refusing to participate in safe sex practices
- Harassment of any kind based on sex, race, religion, culture, gender, age, ability, etc
- Abuse of any kind (physical, sexual, etc)
- What are some other examples you have encountered or experienced?
Some signs that an internal (emotional, ideological) boundary has been crossed
- Denying or challenging someone’s right to choice or feeling, e.g. telling someone what they should do or not do, should be or not be
- Verbal abuse in its many forms: yelling, ridicule, sarcasm, labeling, threatening looks, threatening language, intimidation, insults, impatience, false allegations
- Snobbery or patronizing behaviour
- Using peer pressure or covert behaviour to get one's way
- Refusing to accept responsibility for one’s own errors, lies or behaviours through lack of acknowledgment or apology
- Lying, dishonesty, telling partial truths, “spinning” facts to create a false impression
- Negative control techniques such as sarcasm, shaming, name calling, retaliation, chronic lateness, jealousy, self-victimization
- Reinforcing or supporting another’s self-limiting beliefs and behaviours for power or control
- Denying an individual’s right to voice or choice
- Enabling rather than empowering
- Expecting or demanding differing levels of accountability based on sex, race, religion, culture, nationality, gender, etc
What are some other examples you have encountered or experienced?
Please note that all of the above behaviours, and signs of crossing boundaries, are not weighted equally. Some infractions may be recognized quickly, by your self or the other person. If you are the transgressor, immediately apologise, remedy the situation and commit to honouring that boundary in the future. Continue to maintain a high degree of self-awareness of your behaviour:
- How easy or difficult is it to honour the commitment made?
- Have you crossed those same boundaries with others?
- Do you defend those actions or accept your responsibility?
- Would your behaviour be considered abusive?
Remember that you always have a choice and that your behaviour is your responsibility. You can choose to act with respect. You can choose non-violent behaviours.
More serious infractions may be signs of pathology, or the beginnings of a co-dependent Cycle of Abuse (Tension → Incident → Reconciliation → Calm → Tension, etc). In these cases, individual requires support such as counseling, therapy, etc, to enable them to return to healthy living.
Still not sure when you might be crossing someone's boundaries? Ask the right question!
There is a powerful question which will raise your self-awareness to an even greater level: Whose business am I in? Byron Katie, author of The Work, offers this questions succinctly and elegantly in her blog, reproduced here.
Whose Business Are You Minding?
Notice when you are hurt that you are mentally out of your business. If you're not sure, stop and ask, "Mentally, whose business am I in?" There are only three kinds of business in the universe: mine, yours and God's.
- Whose business is it if an earthquake happens? God's business.
- Whose business is it if your neighbour down the street has an ugly lawn? Your neighbour's business.
- Whose business is it if you are angry at your neighbour down the street because he has an ugly lawn? Your business.
Life is simple — it is internal. Count, in five-minute intervals, how many times you are in someone else's business mentally. Notice when you give uninvited advice or offer your opinion about something (aloud or silently).
Ask yourself, "Am I in their business? Did they ask me for my advice?" And, more importantly, "Can I take the advice I am offering and apply it to my life?".
~ Byron Katie
If you are not sure if your behaviour is crossing a boundary, examine the situation from several perspectives (your own, the other person's, from a third-party overall view). What might you learn about yourself? What other options might be revealed? If still in doubt, be sure to engage the other individual in the dialogue – they know best. Ask permission.
Use the awareness that you have developed to manage your own boundaries to consider your words and actions carefully when interacting with another person. Learn to honour others as you have learned to honour your Self. If in doubt, remember the words of Stephen Covey: Seek first to understand and then be understood.
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Coach's Note:
Awareness is essential for maintaining one's boundaries. To support development of your self-awareness, consider reading the articles highlighted below, available on the Inner Journey Outfitters website, in archived editions of Inner Journey Outlook:
- March 2006, "Let your unconscious mind make the better decision.
- July 2005, "Open up possibilities for self-awareness with the Enneagram"
- March 2005, "Increasing consciousness" and "Is your subconscious making your decisions?"
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